Cosmic Shit

I woke up this morning disoriented. My head banging, cluttered with memories of a strange and wild night. Glimpses of my boyfriend, his friend, my younger brother Eli, all in the disarray of the beat of bass, the charge of flashing lights, the glimmer of clinking glasses, the scent of illicit fun.

I opened my eyes, slowly, and ran my hand over the familiar soft fur next to me, Kira, my pup. I hazily saw my room: tidy;. my book, neatly earmarked between Kira’s spotted paws. I saw my still-full glass of water on my nightstand. My thoughts sharpened.

I had come home last night before 10 pm. I had drank two glasses of wine at a restaurant with close friends. None, of whom were in the vivid memory I’d awoken with. I’d driven home soberly, read my book, eaten a very juicy nectarine, and lights out by 11:30, happy. I’d gone to sleep lost in thoughts of new love and unforeseen adventure.

But my head ached. I got out of bed and took a naproxen, laughing ironically at myself. My damn lucid dreams had given me a hangover. My mind, in sleep, had physically affected my reality.

Mercury went into retrograde this morning. By no means am I an astrological whiz, but just like the moon effects gravity, tides, harvest, and a woman’s cycle, I have no doubt that our solar system affects our lives in many, many more direct and indirect ways. [In fact, I feel that people who don’t put some faith in the universe are kind of idiotic.] The universe can play a big part in (get ready for my favorite word…) happenstance.

While shifts in the universe can bring us into alignment in a cosmic sense (yes, Maha, I owe you a dollar) for example, coincidentally seeing an old friend or meeting someone new who will greatly affect your future; it can also immediately take us out of alignment.

The thing about happenstance is that it’s not about you. It’s about what happens to you as a result of your surroundings.  A friend’s agenda, a changed plan, a river cutting off your path, the brakes going out in your car, the vacancy of a hotel, a café’s wireless being down, spilling barbeque sauce down your shirt and needing to change, oversleeping, a traffic jam, a client not liking your work; it all affects your ‘final destination’ and more importantly, the path leading to there. It can immediately tear you from your schedule. It can take your peaceful morning and cause a rift. It can create a fight, an accident, or even just a ‘bad vibe’. So when the world and its uproarious shifts pull us apart, wind us up, tear us down, or threaten our faith and security; how does one come back to their center?

While much of the world is out of our hands, we often forget what is in our control. You.

When I came onto my mat today, disoriented and unnerved by happenstance or Mercury’s effect on my morning (call it what you will), I took a big breath in. I filled my chest cavity with air. My air, the air I share with my neighbor, my kula, my community, my carved out shell in this big, big universe. I smelled the familiar, sweaty, rubbery scent of my mat and recalled that while our earth shifts and moves, it also supports us. Fully. Where would we be without the ground beneath us? It supports  our living, breathing self; the vessel we assume for 100 or so years; the body that we have full control over. Your body.

It’s true that we may not be able to control all of our injuries, cravings, rehabilitations, or certain physical characteristics. But for the most part, our body and what we do with it, is our choice. We experiment, intoxicate, detoxify. We swim, bathe, submerge, dry, and tan. We sweat and we eat. We sleep too much or not enough. And because of what we do to our body, we feel. We suffer, or we feel fulfilled. We sob, or we cry out in joy. We feel physical pain, or we find ecstasy.

So, if what we do physically effects us mentally, than obviously what we do mentally affects our physicality – just like my dream.

Although it might not always seems so, we have control over our thoughts. I will be the first to admit that my thoughts mess with me constantly. They create stories in my head, fabrication, exaggeration, or distrust. My mind often feels sad when maybe the more appropriate emotion is anger. It allows distraction, when full attention would serve me more. But, I digress. Our thoughts, our reactions to what happens, they are in our control. And that mindfulness, or lack thereof, affects the physical self (and like a domino affect, everyone we touch). Let's just quote Buddha, "...as the shadow follows the body, as we think, so we become."

On my mat, when I am in my true power. The form, action, and alignment of my body is somewhere near to my-own-perfect. When my foundation is strong and my balance untouchable; my skin, muscle, and bone: lit up – fully alive. It is then when I realize my true integrity; a graceful, feminine, water-like control, in tandem with a powerful, strong, and grounded attitude. With command over my physicality and emotions and openness as happenstance unfolds, whatever that adventure may be. It is then, at my most pure, with my arms open to the universe, when I sit in full trust.

Anatomy of a Breakthrough

The photos from the frames on the wall are now boxed up. They're replaced with words, art, and best wishes, much like my soul. The anatomy of a breakup is full of layers. Amidst a love lost and oftentimes a heart broken, lies freedom and possibility. Pain, shadowed by wanderlust. Fear, compensated for by good times and free-will. Although then, when the party is over, one is reminded of alone-ness. For me, alone-ness is new, needed, warranted. Wanted? I'm not sure yet.

I have filled my past few months with good intentions. Good intentions that have lead to mistakes, but also fulfillment; growth, but also demise. But it's a reminder that without the bad, you can't really feel the good. Without the tears, smiles aren't as meaningful. Without the ache, you can't create endurance.

There's been rocky terrain – late nights, mysterious bruises, over-sharing, over-caring, over-analyzing, compulsive workouts, eating, not eating, eating more, sleeping too much, not sleeping, taking a pill so I can sleep, diving endlessly into work, not working, daydreaming, nightmaring, relying on girlfriends, leaning on girlfriends, knocking girlfriends over because I'm leaning on them so hard, waking up with an empty bottle of wine in my bed, waking up with 5 shots of tequila in my forehead, waking up alone. So yes. The anatomy of a breakup has layers, one that begins with self-gratification which often results in pain, and even that terrible word: regret.

I have been reminding myself of Maya Angelou's words, 'I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.' Change breeds uncertainty. And uncertainty is some fucking scary shit.

Outside of the cycles of earth and undying support from my friends, there has been another constant over the past few months: my yoga practice. My time on my mat, hearing my breath, being fully present in my body, wearing my sweat, and reaping the soulful words of my teachers – has been my guiding light. The hour or two I spend on my mat nearly daily, or in a handstand in my living room, or in meditation – that is what brings me back to my truth. And like my friends, my students are my lifeline. When I hear synchronized breath in the room, see a smile in chair-pose, experience someone nail full splits for the first time, or merely receive the acknowledgement of a class well taught, it reminds me that life is grand. That my days are filled to the brim with doing what I love. And that I created that on my own, with my own power. And that where there is pain, there is joy just waiting to bust the seams. My yoga practice keeps me sane, keeps me inspired, keeps me going, growing, during a time of tribulation and wonder. It may not be yoga for every person, but one must have a passionate constant when battling uncertainty.

In this month's issue of Origin magazine, Mastin Kipp wrote an article that spoke to me. In it, he says:

We pray for change. Yet we fear change. Many times the type of change we want is certain change with a known outcome – but that’s not how the game works. My friend and mentor Tony Robbins said it best: “The quality of your life is directly related to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably handle.”

We have faith the moment we take a step out into the unknown – even if – and especially if – we are terrified to do it. That is what faith is all about. And consider, that the crazy and unforeseen things that happen in your life are preceding something amazing. Maybe this is exactly how it had to be, so that your prayer could be answered. Maybe this thing that seems like a disaster, or not fair or something totally scary IS the answer to your prayer. And instead of asking for a lighter load, perhaps it’s time we have more emotional muscle.

So, in honor of Kipp's words, I am going to challenge a new muscle in my body, my emotional muscle. I'm going to challenge myself to face uncertainty with patience, and see indifference as opportunity, and to apply grace to situations. That's not to say that I won't wake up with a hangover, cry into my dog's fur, or foolishly kiss someone, but it is a valid intention towards honoring uncertainty.

In a week I leave to teach, practice, and travel for eight days in Costa Rica. I know that while there, I will relish in this possibility, meditate on the opportunity in uncertainty, and come back fresh, ready to breed creativity in my career, and ready to inspire my students with my teachings.