I have filled my past few months with good intentions. Good intentions that have lead to mistakes, but also fulfillment; growth, but also demise. But it's a reminder that without the bad, you can't really feel the good. Without the tears, smiles aren't as meaningful. Without the ache, you can't create endurance.
There's been rocky terrain – late nights, mysterious bruises, over-sharing, over-caring, over-analyzing, compulsive workouts, eating, not eating, eating more, sleeping too much, not sleeping, taking a pill so I can sleep, diving endlessly into work, not working, daydreaming, nightmaring, relying on girlfriends, leaning on girlfriends, knocking girlfriends over because I'm leaning on them so hard, waking up with an empty bottle of wine in my bed, waking up with 5 shots of tequila in my forehead, waking up alone. So yes. The anatomy of a breakup has layers, one that begins with self-gratification which often results in pain, and even that terrible word: regret.
I have been reminding myself of Maya Angelou's words, 'I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.' Change breeds uncertainty. And uncertainty is some fucking scary shit.
Outside of the cycles of earth and undying support from my friends, there has been another constant over the past few months: my yoga practice. My time on my mat, hearing my breath, being fully present in my body, wearing my sweat, and reaping the soulful words of my teachers – has been my guiding light. The hour or two I spend on my mat nearly daily, or in a handstand in my living room, or in meditation – that is what brings me back to my truth. And like my friends, my students are my lifeline. When I hear synchronized breath in the room, see a smile in chair-pose, experience someone nail full splits for the first time, or merely receive the acknowledgement of a class well taught, it reminds me that life is grand. That my days are filled to the brim with doing what I love. And that I created that on my own, with my own power. And that where there is pain, there is joy just waiting to bust the seams. My yoga practice keeps me sane, keeps me inspired, keeps me going, growing, during a time of tribulation and wonder. It may not be yoga for every person, but one must have a passionate constant when battling uncertainty.
In this month's issue of Origin magazine, Mastin Kipp wrote an article that spoke to me. In it, he says:
We pray for change. Yet we fear change. Many times the type of change
we want is certain change with a known outcome – but that’s not how the
game works. My friend and mentor Tony Robbins said it best: “The
quality of your life is directly related to the amount of uncertainty
you can comfortably handle.”
We have faith the moment we take a step out into the unknown – even
if – and especially if – we are terrified to do it. That is what faith
is all about. And consider, that the crazy and unforeseen things that
happen in your life are preceding something amazing. Maybe this is
exactly how it had to be, so that your prayer could be answered. Maybe
this thing that seems like a disaster, or not fair or something totally
scary IS the answer to your prayer. And instead of asking for a lighter
load, perhaps it’s time we have more emotional muscle.
So, in honor of Kipp's words, I am going to challenge a new muscle in my body, my emotional muscle. I'm going to challenge myself to face uncertainty with patience, and see indifference as opportunity, and to apply grace to situations. That's not to say that I won't wake up with a hangover, cry into my dog's fur, or foolishly kiss someone, but it is a valid intention towards honoring uncertainty.
In a week I leave to teach, practice, and travel for eight days in Costa Rica. I know that while there, I will relish in this possibility, meditate on the opportunity in uncertainty, and come back fresh, ready to breed creativity in my career, and ready to inspire my students with my teachings.
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