Insomnia and Water

[I've spent a long time thinking I wasn't affected by caffeine; that somehow I rose above the trappings of the drug. In fact, I tend to believe I bypass a lot of standards - perhaps it's a nasty sense of entitlement or a scandalous affair with a tempting fellow named Authority. However, a half-a-cup of yerba-mate this evening and brutal case of insomnia later, and I'm beginning to reconsider what I really am affected by.]

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A dear friend recently told me that I reminded her of the earth element water (she was speaking in the sense of Reiki tradition). Pliny the Elder (the naturalist, not the beer...) said, "Water swallow up the earth, extinguishes the flame, ascends on high, and by stretching forth as clouds challenges the heavens for their own, and the same falling down, becomes the cause of all things that grow in the earth."

Water is a cleansing, healing, psychic, and loving element. It is the feeling of friendship and love that pours over us when we are with loved ones. Water is feminine, it's the element of emotion and subconscious, of purification, intuition, mysteries of the self, compassion and family. Water is love. When we swim, it is water that supports us; when we are thirsty, it is water the quenches our thirst. Water is powerful, yet full of flow and grace. What a compliment to be likened to water (thanks love).

When something gets in the way of water – water flows over it, through it, around it, under it. But sometimes, is it dammed. And it's those dams that I've been riding on.

To me, there's two dams, one that wanes and one that waxes, like the moon.

The first dam is anxiety. Anxiety that shows up as a pressure right on your chest. Fear in your eye. Impatience with yourself or others. It's a time bomb that has been ticking patiently for a long time and the sound has become aggravating. It's an alarm clock that you keep thinking you turned the snooze off, but the chirp keeps coming back on, over and over, every damn 8 minutes. It's a conversation you know you need to have but keep avoiding. It's love lost or misplaced. It's saying you will do something, and not doing it... or not doing it well, or on time. It's witnessing bad grammar or two or even three(!) spaces after a period... and reacting. It's not living in your power. It's saying "I'm working on that..." instead of doing that. It's over-consumption. It's excess. Heartbreak. And it goes profoundly deeper in the direction of grief and loss. The dark tunnel of thinking you may never find what you're looking for - supreme discontentment. Mourning and death. Chemical imbalances, like depression, where you dig deeper and deeper into a dark abyss. It really is as simple as imbalance. It's not putting your two feet on the ground, after you know that you should put them back down after their trip.

The second dam is bhakti. I'm using the word bhakti here instead of the English word "love" because I'm not sure if love is the right word for me in this sense. Cynically, at times I see the word 'love' as cheap and easy. To my point: "There is some speculation that the English word Love has an etymological path winding all the way back to the Sanskrit word lobha, or greed. Though this may describe the very lowest of attractions we confuse for love, it certainly does not encompass the life-opening potential of this state of consciousness. Many definitions of love have to do with deprivation or self-denial and speak to the self-effacing qualities of love where union begins to become possible by the loss of attachment to self as the center of the universe. These particular definitions can be associated with much suffering as they require the “sacrifice” of the little self. Some Old English roots for the word love have an affinity with allowing or approving. Latin origins center on the energy of pleasing." (got it from here)

But in essence and without negative stigma, divine love or bhakti is what I'm getting at. Like the real shit. The blissful stuff. The stuff that lifts you up, that sets your heart on fire, that makes your bones tingle. That which entices your mind and intellect, as well ignites lusts deep in your body. That opens up your spirit to the howling wind. That makes the deepest part of your soul as visible as the pattern on your shirt. The complete willingness to do for others without abandon. Matched passion and an equal embrace. Tenderness without juxtaposition. Being on the same page. Trust. Truth. Accountability. Soulful awakening and enlightenment. Really seeing into someone's eyes, and then looking into those eyes and seeing yourself. Taking a leap towards living in adventurous abundance. Creation. Birth and rebirth. Walking a tight rope. Trying something new because you know there will be someone/something there to catch you if/when you fall. It's feeling electricity happen on your skin. It's skinny dipping. It's opening your eyes when you would usually close them. Falling. Feeling yourself fall. Landing on two feet.

So in essence, the dams are the highs and the lows. The new and the full moon. The ying and the yang. The (oh so) hot and the (freezing) cold. That's what dams the water - the freeze and the boil.

Despite the intense desire our culture has embedded to always live in the moment of intense action (the "path of endless climax"), most of our time is on the plateau in between. Riding it out in anticipation, creation, libation... and mostly, learning, growing. (If you aren't growing, you are dying.)

To paraphrase a book I've been reading by George Leonard called Mastery,

We spend our life stretched on an iron rack of contingencies. Contingencies, no question about it are important, the achievement of goals is important, but the real juice of life; whether it be sweet or bitter - is to be found not nearly so much in the products of our efforts, as in the process of living itself. In how it feels to be alive. We are taught in countless ways to value the product, the prize, the climatic moment - but even we catch the winning pass in the Superbowl, there is always tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. If our life is a good one, a life of Mastery, most of it will be spent on the plateau.

Practice the path of Mastery, exist only in the present. You can see it, hear it, smell it, and feel it. To love the plateau is to love the eternal now. To enjoy the inevitable bursts of progress and the fruits of accomplishment, then serenely to accept the new plateau that waits just beyond them. To love the plateau is to love what is most essential and enduring in your life.

So what stops us in our tracks and can also throw us the extra yards ahead are the the tip and the base of the iceberg. The highests highs and the the absolute zeros -- but what creates consistency, solidity, form, and strength is the space between. The plateau. The growth. And that is a path of patience. 

Life isn't just at high or low tide, there's a full spectrum of space. There's a full rainbow of opportunity for progress, for the journey that is life. That is a slow moving river, full of tributaries and still water. I can't always jump ahead to the next waterfall and break through Niagra Falls. So on my path as water, I will respect and adapt to the shape I'm encased in, the gentle boundaries in the path I'm on, the universe's current, nature's season, the time, the weather. And with grace, I will let her take me, rather than apply force to her.

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Now let's see if sleep will take me...

Anatomy of a Breakthrough

The photos from the frames on the wall are now boxed up. They're replaced with words, art, and best wishes, much like my soul. The anatomy of a breakup is full of layers. Amidst a love lost and oftentimes a heart broken, lies freedom and possibility. Pain, shadowed by wanderlust. Fear, compensated for by good times and free-will. Although then, when the party is over, one is reminded of alone-ness. For me, alone-ness is new, needed, warranted. Wanted? I'm not sure yet.

I have filled my past few months with good intentions. Good intentions that have lead to mistakes, but also fulfillment; growth, but also demise. But it's a reminder that without the bad, you can't really feel the good. Without the tears, smiles aren't as meaningful. Without the ache, you can't create endurance.

There's been rocky terrain – late nights, mysterious bruises, over-sharing, over-caring, over-analyzing, compulsive workouts, eating, not eating, eating more, sleeping too much, not sleeping, taking a pill so I can sleep, diving endlessly into work, not working, daydreaming, nightmaring, relying on girlfriends, leaning on girlfriends, knocking girlfriends over because I'm leaning on them so hard, waking up with an empty bottle of wine in my bed, waking up with 5 shots of tequila in my forehead, waking up alone. So yes. The anatomy of a breakup has layers, one that begins with self-gratification which often results in pain, and even that terrible word: regret.

I have been reminding myself of Maya Angelou's words, 'I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.' Change breeds uncertainty. And uncertainty is some fucking scary shit.

Outside of the cycles of earth and undying support from my friends, there has been another constant over the past few months: my yoga practice. My time on my mat, hearing my breath, being fully present in my body, wearing my sweat, and reaping the soulful words of my teachers – has been my guiding light. The hour or two I spend on my mat nearly daily, or in a handstand in my living room, or in meditation – that is what brings me back to my truth. And like my friends, my students are my lifeline. When I hear synchronized breath in the room, see a smile in chair-pose, experience someone nail full splits for the first time, or merely receive the acknowledgement of a class well taught, it reminds me that life is grand. That my days are filled to the brim with doing what I love. And that I created that on my own, with my own power. And that where there is pain, there is joy just waiting to bust the seams. My yoga practice keeps me sane, keeps me inspired, keeps me going, growing, during a time of tribulation and wonder. It may not be yoga for every person, but one must have a passionate constant when battling uncertainty.

In this month's issue of Origin magazine, Mastin Kipp wrote an article that spoke to me. In it, he says:

We pray for change. Yet we fear change. Many times the type of change we want is certain change with a known outcome – but that’s not how the game works. My friend and mentor Tony Robbins said it best: “The quality of your life is directly related to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably handle.”

We have faith the moment we take a step out into the unknown – even if – and especially if – we are terrified to do it. That is what faith is all about. And consider, that the crazy and unforeseen things that happen in your life are preceding something amazing. Maybe this is exactly how it had to be, so that your prayer could be answered. Maybe this thing that seems like a disaster, or not fair or something totally scary IS the answer to your prayer. And instead of asking for a lighter load, perhaps it’s time we have more emotional muscle.

So, in honor of Kipp's words, I am going to challenge a new muscle in my body, my emotional muscle. I'm going to challenge myself to face uncertainty with patience, and see indifference as opportunity, and to apply grace to situations. That's not to say that I won't wake up with a hangover, cry into my dog's fur, or foolishly kiss someone, but it is a valid intention towards honoring uncertainty.

In a week I leave to teach, practice, and travel for eight days in Costa Rica. I know that while there, I will relish in this possibility, meditate on the opportunity in uncertainty, and come back fresh, ready to breed creativity in my career, and ready to inspire my students with my teachings.

on dating a yoga goddess

I found this WONDERDFUL post here on Elephant Journal

Ok, boys, gentleman, not so gentle men, knights in shining armor, pimps and playas.

You’ve see us in the gym, in yoga studios or magazines or on TV. Maybe you’ve even taken our classes–we yoginis, the flexible dare-devils on a spiritual mission who seem to float around the world so freely. We’re a different breed. Most of us are born travelers, nomads even. Most of us don’t like societal rules and conventions. And most of us don’t adhere to them and have dedicated our lives to living outside boxes in some way or another.

This is a beautiful thing that many men find intoxicating and exhilarating— until they realize that it also scares the shit out of them. This is true especially for the kind who look good in ties.

For the multi-talented beautiful Yoga Goddess, finding a life partner who is traveling down the same road or wants to walk hand-in-hand with a Yoga Goddess on her journey is much more difficult for her than any forearm balance.Yoga Goddess, more specifically, a woman from a Western civilization who teaches yoga for a living, especially in a metropolis of some kind, is a complicated creature who has elected to remove her Western goggles and instead apply and be guided by Eastern philosophies and practices of self-actualization.

This makes her an intriguing and complicated creature to most men, but I assure you, she is not entirely inscrutable. You have only to understand that underneath her yogi persona, your Yoga Goddess was probably fed fairy tales for most of her life, where damsels in distress waited to be rescued by the Prince. Now she is grown up and she is a Yoga Goddess, a yogi who has discovered her dharma ( this is the Sanskrit word for one’s “virtuous path”)and a devotion to God which has eased her existential distress but probably not completely relieved her of the distress of the romantic variety.

A Yoga Goddess can appear to many like an untouchable, statuesque, ephemeral, mystical, zany, Aphrodite-esque theatrical mess on wheels. To many men, she is bewitching and beguiling, she can unsettle you with her eyes and bring you to tears when you least expect it. A Yoga Goddess can see souls. She knows how to make you feel things you may not want to feel, which leaves many men feeling too vulnerable in her presence to ever feel good enough. Know that the Yoga Goddess of your dreams is not out to emasculate you but that it is her wish and it is within her power simply to help you open your heart. Sometimes, a Yoga Goddess forgets her own power and forgets too that a man might not want the woman he is pursing to have that effect on him. Know that she knows this but can’t always help it. Her soul work goes deep. The tricky part is, as a highly sensitive healer and woman with deep compassion for human suffering, she no doubt has walls of her own that you will have to be willing to tear down for her to feel safe enough to let you in. Therein lies her beautiful complexity.

So, here are some essential things you should know before you set out to win the heart of a Yoga Goddess of your dreams:

1) Get over the fact that a Yoga Goddess is probably someone who is a little bit dangerous to take home to meet your mother.

It occurred to me recently that this picture alone might actually have been why my last relationship didn’t work. If you want your Yoga Goddess for your very own, you must grow up and get over needing your mother’s approval. Yoginis are sparkling, creative, charming, intelligent, beautiful, sexy, highly intuitive and charismatic women who your mother might not love at first and will come to love eventually. But we’re also wild and free-spirited, with a lotta bit of hippie hell raiser on the inside, which has the potential to feel threatening to many mothers who just want their son to settle down with a nice girl who won’t make too many waves. The good thing is that these qualities are usually countered with equal parts compassion, faith, and altruism. Yoginis also have chameleon qualities, so it is possible that your Yoga Goddess might be willing to dim her light for a meeting with the parents, but do not be surprised if your beloved Mumsy gives her the snake eye for reasons you cannot and will not ever understand. It’s a witchy woman thing.

2) Yoga Goddesses don’t do small talk.

Yoga goddesses usually cut the shit and get to the stuff that matters. Questions like, “What do you feel? Where do you feel it? What do you believe? Have you surrendered?” are a Yogi Goddess’s version of small talk. A woman who has chosen a spiritual path and dedicates her life’s work to helping people unify their mind, body, and spirit in profound and transformative ways is just not very good at shooting the shit with strangers and will tend to fire away questions that get right to the heart of the matter. If you need her to tone down the yoga talk, simply brief her before dinner with your boss. You can take her to work functions and she will do just fine for a while, but you might hear her take very deep loud audible breaths throughout the course of the night to manage her sensitivity to the noise and heavy lifting of bullshitting. Keep in mind, in her line of work, she meets people for the first time on the floor in sweatpants and spends her days reading about God and breathing. So, don’t be surprised if she might need to go and do a headstand in the corner after a few vodka tonics to handle the change of scenery and relax her face from all the fake smiling.

3) Yoga Goddesses consistently crave and create adventure for themselves and others.

Yogis by nature are adventurous so if you’re not willing to be adventurous, in all kinds of ways, if you need to play it safe because you’re afraid of what people will think, then the Yoga Goddess is not for you and she probably won’t date you anyway. For the Yoga Goddess, it is not enough to simply like the idea of adventure. She will test your strength, she will keep you on your toes, she will love it if you surprise her just as much as she surprises you. If you’re a stable, steady kind of man, she will love you for your groundedness but ask you to abandon it on occasion in the name of faith, courage, and wisdom. That’s just how it goes. One of the most romantic things you can do for a Yoga Goddess is to plan a trip for the two of you and surprise her with it. She is used to taking the lead with plans and orchestrating events. To be cared for in this way is a Yogi Goddesses’s dream. And yes, the adventure extends to the bedroom, naturally. Don’t be scared. Yoga Goddesses are very gifted and patient teachers and healers.

4) A Yoga Goddesses will turn your world upside down.

If you fall for a Yoga Goddess, it is very likely that she will very gracefully turn your buttoned-up world upside down. Afterall, she has been called to teach people to see things from another perspective, to look at things differently, to encourage people to challenge their ideas about who they are and what their lives should look like. This is probably why many men will date Yoga Goddesses for a time but never marry them. The potential for change is too great for many men who are intrigued by the possibility of being with someone so free-spirited but who are ultimately uncomfortable with what life might look like with someone who is so comfortable with uncertainly, so in tune with and guided by spirit. Someone who possesses an ardent faith in things unseen can feel too intense for someone who is not prepared or interested in a spiritual journey. So, while your Yoga Goddess can be playful and fun-loving, she takes her life, her vocation and her spiritual path very seriously. A man who earns a Yoga Goddess’s love must respect and admire her work, understand its value to humanity.

5) Yoga Goddesses are mysterious.

Yoga Goddesses do not go out of their way to be mysterious, they just are, simply because they have surrendered to the mysteries of life, have given up searching for answers for why things are and very comfortable living the the gray areas of life. If you are a rigid thinker, the Yoga Goddess is not for you. She is a free-thinker, open-minded and open-hearted. She prizes authenticity over knowledge and accomplishment and leans into the mystery of life at every turn. In my experience, this terrifies and confuses many men. Yoga Goddesses are not good planners since they are usually out doing God’s work, will entertain detours if led by spirit to go left instead of right or to be late for an appointment because of a chance encounter with a mystical stranger who seems to have an important message for her. She will require your trust and patience and she will return the favor tenfold. If she keeps you waiting, chances are she will have a magical reason for it, a wonderful story that keeps your faith in things unseen alive. She’ll tell you about it while giving you some kind of exotic massage. She cannot be rushed. And she will not let anyone else set her pace for her.

6) A Yoga Goddess is the hostess with the mostess.

She will cook you things to balance your doshas and if you don’t know what those are, she will help you identify them. She will play amazing music from all over the world that will transport you into other galaxies. She will know what to do with your body in many situations as well as what kind of oils to rub on it and where to make you feel like the God you are. She will create a house of harmony, health, balance. She will want to care for your mind, body, and spirit. She can’t help it. It’s her job.

7) A Yoga Goddess is still a material girl.

A Yoga Goddess is not immune to desires of the flesh. Though she has probably made the decision, at certain points in her life to disengage from the material world as part of her spiritual training, she does still enjoy earthly comforts like jewels and fancy dinners and unexpected trips to exotic locales. And she is still a girl looking for a boy to love her, honor her, and ravish her.

8 ) A Yoga Goddess cherishes her freedom and yours.

The yogic path is often called the quest for the jivan mukti, or the soul’s liberation. A woman who is on a yogic path understands that souls want what souls want and that a relationship is meant to be a place where those desires can be expressed without shame or guilt. This can make her seem like she has the potential to be so free-spirited that she just wants to be free-wheelin, free-loadin and free-lovin’ her way around the world. Not so. A yogic-minded woman simply understands for herself that we are all here to be each other’s teachers and students and that there is no better place for the expression of that dynamic than in a loving partnership.